An old post..

This used to be easy for me, but for some reason my mind seems to go in a million different directions when I sit down to write. I think it's from my lack of outside human contact, and my mind wants to have every conversation imaginable. Anyways I am enjoying a quiet morning with my blanket, laptop, and John Mayer in the background. I am thinking of our trip to California next week. I miss San Francisco. My husband doesn't understand why I love it so much. He just remembers the traffic. But I remember the smell of the water in the air, the quiet in the morning, the excitement at Christmas, the clam chowder at the pier, dates with my husband, double dates with my best friend, girls night at Steps of Rome. I could go on and on and on. But last night I got to thinking about why I love it so much, and I remember one very special night during a very lonely time in my life. I was on the beach where our school always had the annual bonfire. I broke away from the group and went down the beach by myself, turned off my ipod and just listened. I cried, and the only thing I knew was that I was tired of being in that part of my life. God spoke to me that day. He pushed back a very big cloud in my mind. I began a journey there than has not been easy, and I have had ups and downs since then. But I have always had this night to remember.

Most people remember where they were when they built an altar. I remember San Francisco, I remember that night on the beach.

Challenged..

Sigh...being a parent has its challenges. For example the "occasional" day where sleep is no where to be found. The once in a while inconvenience of a dirty diaper with no where to change it, (so you duck into the dressing room and borrow the floor.) Then there are my favorite moments when it's just too quiet, and you find green crayon all over the walls and a great big "daddy did it."
Then there was today... On my days off I try to spend a little extra time with Gavin doing something he likes. We either make time for the park or McDonald's. He craves time with other kids because he doesn't get to be around them very much. So tonight I watched through the smudged and fingerprinted window as Gavin played with a couple other kids. So many emotions came over me in this little time period. The first of which was the need to make the other kids want to play with him. My heart aches when I see him left behind. Eventually he made a couple friends and I settled back to my chicken sandwich. The next parental instinct in this 45 minute scenario happened when one of the parents asked me which one was mine. I responded proudly, "the one in the superman shirt." He then proceeded to tell me that "superman" was holding the door shut. (A TATTLETALE PARENT) I apologised for my son's actions like a sweet little Christian, however, inside I knew differently. I had seen the other kid holding the door shut while Gavin was trying to get out, but because Gavin is bigger, he was assumed the bully. Thank you for your misinformation Mr. Parent.
After my inner battle with wanting to make the kids play with him and wanting to set the dad straight on his story, I noticed something big. All the while I had been watching him play from the other side of the window, and every time he started to do something new he would look over to where I was sitting. I would give him a thumbs up or a smile and say "Go to the top." (I may be a hovering parent.) Anyways I quickly realized that he was quietly asking for my approval. This was a humbling moment for me. All I could think of was "Who am I to give someone approval?" Many times in the past two years I have seen God illustrate His ways through my relationship with Gavin. This is the newest one. I am constantly wanting God's approval in my life, but I don't always seek it in the way that my son did today. In everything he did, before every new adventure and with each attempt at the slide, he looked to me. Children are amazing blessings from God. They're picture books for those of us who need a little extra help.

Random...

Gavin has been gone for a week, and he still has 10 days left!! He's been gone before, but this time it's different because he's talking and learning so much. I feel like every day that he's away from me he will learn something new that I'm not a part of (selfish i know). I am, however, overly joyed that he is spending time with his grand and great grandparents. It really makes me happy when I know that he brightens their world. When I was pregnant with him I was so afraid that noone would love him. Maybe it's one of the crazy things that happen with pregnancy and the whole insecurity thing, but yes I did fear that. Now it's so hard to imagine anything of that nature with all the wonderful family that he has to love him. I am very grateful.

So this week is supposed to be a week of production since lately I seem to use Gavin as my excuse for not getting things done. So I have started putting things in my wedding album, I started my diet, I am registering for school, we are going to paint my dresser and nightstand tomorrow, and I am currently writing this blog! I know some of you do those things and more, but please let me have my moment =) Anyways, I never meant for my blogs to be a recap of my life, but that's all that seems to come out lately. Hopefully I will be more inspiring in the near future.

"O how he loves us"

I'm listening to this song before I get ready for work, and I can't help but think back over my life. "O how he loves us" It's so amazing that despite everything His love is still so strong and amazing. I didn't get to go to service yesterday for Easter because I had to work, but in the morning before work I asked God to be with me all day. I just wanted to feel him. We have a morning devotion for the residents at the nursing home where I work, and we usually sing a couple of hymns at the end. Yesterday we sang "How Great Thou Art" and "Because He lives." In the middle of our singing I noticed several residents, family members, and staff with tears streaming down their faces. They were truly singing how great He is, and the atmosphere was so beautiful. Most of them have short term memories or alzheimer's disease. So today they may not remember yesterday at all, but I know I will. O how he loves us.

"... It's learning to dance in the rain"

I used to write a lot, but lately there always seems to be something more important to do. However, this week I have made it a priority to start again, if for no other reason but to exercise my mind a bit. My vocabulary for a month now has consisted of two syllables words; ba ba - bottle, bo bo- Elmo, po po- poop. Not that I don't enjoy hearing my one year old learn to talk. It is by far one of the most wonderful feelings in the world. (We even loved it when he learned to say "no." Just for the simple fact that he can now communicate with us when he does or doesn't want something, instead of constant whining.)

If you know me, then you know our story. Life for the past two years has been rather unconventional and unexpected. For those of you who may have been disappointed, I apologize. For those of you who were there through it all, I Thank you. Difficult times have a way of bringing out true friendships and lifetime relationships, and we were so blessed to have loving people all around us. Hopefully one day I will get a chance to let each of you know just how important you are to our lives.

This past October I married my best friend. We are really quite different, but the longer we are together the more I realize how much I need that difference. He's calm when I am a wreck. He is patient when I want to yell at the car next to us. He is always on time when I always think I still have another 20 minutes. When I wanted to give up, He wouldn't let me. I guess it's true "opposites attract," and I'm thankful he chose me.

I have the greatest little boy in the world. His name is Gavin. He is 15 months old and into absolutely everything. He loves to throw things into the bathtub and toilet, and he thinks that the word "uhoh" means he can get out of anything bad that he has done. Everytime I hug him I cry thinking that some day he will be the cause of grey hair for Pancho and I, and I treasure every time he comes to me for comfort. He is my little light, my little man.

We are in the process of making decisions for our future. It's very exciting! I do understand there will be challenges ahead, but I believe we're ready. A new chapter for our little family. A new day away from the memories of yesterday. A lovely chapter....