An old post..

This used to be easy for me, but for some reason my mind seems to go in a million different directions when I sit down to write. I think it's from my lack of outside human contact, and my mind wants to have every conversation imaginable. Anyways I am enjoying a quiet morning with my blanket, laptop, and John Mayer in the background. I am thinking of our trip to California next week. I miss San Francisco. My husband doesn't understand why I love it so much. He just remembers the traffic. But I remember the smell of the water in the air, the quiet in the morning, the excitement at Christmas, the clam chowder at the pier, dates with my husband, double dates with my best friend, girls night at Steps of Rome. I could go on and on and on. But last night I got to thinking about why I love it so much, and I remember one very special night during a very lonely time in my life. I was on the beach where our school always had the annual bonfire. I broke away from the group and went down the beach by myself, turned off my ipod and just listened. I cried, and the only thing I knew was that I was tired of being in that part of my life. God spoke to me that day. He pushed back a very big cloud in my mind. I began a journey there than has not been easy, and I have had ups and downs since then. But I have always had this night to remember.

Most people remember where they were when they built an altar. I remember San Francisco, I remember that night on the beach.

Challenged..

Sigh...being a parent has its challenges. For example the "occasional" day where sleep is no where to be found. The once in a while inconvenience of a dirty diaper with no where to change it, (so you duck into the dressing room and borrow the floor.) Then there are my favorite moments when it's just too quiet, and you find green crayon all over the walls and a great big "daddy did it."
Then there was today... On my days off I try to spend a little extra time with Gavin doing something he likes. We either make time for the park or McDonald's. He craves time with other kids because he doesn't get to be around them very much. So tonight I watched through the smudged and fingerprinted window as Gavin played with a couple other kids. So many emotions came over me in this little time period. The first of which was the need to make the other kids want to play with him. My heart aches when I see him left behind. Eventually he made a couple friends and I settled back to my chicken sandwich. The next parental instinct in this 45 minute scenario happened when one of the parents asked me which one was mine. I responded proudly, "the one in the superman shirt." He then proceeded to tell me that "superman" was holding the door shut. (A TATTLETALE PARENT) I apologised for my son's actions like a sweet little Christian, however, inside I knew differently. I had seen the other kid holding the door shut while Gavin was trying to get out, but because Gavin is bigger, he was assumed the bully. Thank you for your misinformation Mr. Parent.
After my inner battle with wanting to make the kids play with him and wanting to set the dad straight on his story, I noticed something big. All the while I had been watching him play from the other side of the window, and every time he started to do something new he would look over to where I was sitting. I would give him a thumbs up or a smile and say "Go to the top." (I may be a hovering parent.) Anyways I quickly realized that he was quietly asking for my approval. This was a humbling moment for me. All I could think of was "Who am I to give someone approval?" Many times in the past two years I have seen God illustrate His ways through my relationship with Gavin. This is the newest one. I am constantly wanting God's approval in my life, but I don't always seek it in the way that my son did today. In everything he did, before every new adventure and with each attempt at the slide, he looked to me. Children are amazing blessings from God. They're picture books for those of us who need a little extra help.